He was everything she had ever dreamt for in a man. He had more money that she could ever spend. He was a delight to look at and was just the right height. He lived in the right side of town and had a car. Truth be told, she was tired of walking around and jostling for public transport with commoners. He had taken her to places that she had only encountered in books and television. She just had to have him; he had too much going for him. No man had ever been able to resist her. All it took was a feel of her silky skin, a taste of her delicious lips and a handful of her spacious behind. She was a trophy and she knew how to play it to her advantage.
He had met her a few years back, then he hadn't quite noticed her. He wasn’t sure why he hadn’t made a move on her earlier but he was certain he would stop at nothing to have her now. She was quite the catch, a rare find in today's world of 'independent women’. She could not only cook and clean but she submitted to him. She was also a trophy piece; he couldn't pass up an opportunity to display her on his 'mantle'. All he had to do was give her the life she always wanted but never had.
Today they are married and she has two adorable boys. He’s never home and when he is, he’s exercising his punching skills on her. Make up has become her best friend, helping her cover the bruises and scars. Once adored and dotted upon, she has now become the worst decision he ever made. He never loses an opportunity to let her know that the only reason he hasn’t left her is because she bore his sons.
At times he is away for weeks despite not knowing where he is and going sick with worry, she dares not call. It would only earn his wrath, her ribs are still sore from the stool he crashed into her side.
She has no more tears left in her, they ran out years ago. She wishes she could share her burden with someone, anyone, maybe then the burden would be lighter. But what would her friends think of her? They would probably think less of the man she loves. She knows that what he’s going through is just a stage, a phase that will pass. Then they will be happy, they will go back to the way they were at the beginning. Or maybe her friends would think she doesn’t know how to make a man happy leave alone how to keep one. No, she cannot share any of it with them. If she told her mother or any her siblings and her father found out, he might disown her. She would be bringing shame upon him and he would never forgive her for it.
There were also other factors to consider. If she left him, it meant giving up the grand lifestyle he had set up for himself of which she was a beneficiary. Although he no longer gave her money for her personal use, she still appreciated what he had afforded for her and the boys in terms of living standards.
Tears choked her soul. Death was her only way out. Everyday she would pray to God to take her away from all the misery and pain, and then she would remember the boys. “Wait a little bit longer, I think I have some days left in me,” she would whisper. She could not bear the thought of another woman raising her precious boys.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
My friend the Datsun-Toyota.
A dear friend was recently going through a difficult time. The kind where one minute you want to scream at the top of your lungs, the next you want to pull out your hair or/and break something. Yet at the end of it all, you just end up all curled up feeling helpless. Now, she’s the kind of person who’s used to being in control all the time, so such situations are generally very frustrating for her. As she was recounting her ordeal-as she chooses to call it- to me she broke into some strange analogy. Apparently she felt like one of those old Datsun-Toyota cars (I’m not sure where they manufacture those). This kind of car, as fate would have it, was used to transport nyanyas from shagz to Nairobi. It is extremely old and creaks all the way. It’s all rusty and comes in the shade of blue they paint doors in; you know that weird shade that’s neither luminous nor sky blue. It’s like green but not green (the things stress does to our tranquillity). I didn’t quite get it but it wasn’t about me getting it. So this car that she felt like, had run out of mileage and now, she, needed to go to the workshop. She-the car- wanted to be taken apart. She wanted to be totally dismantled, for each and every part to be taken out, cleaned to newness, oiled and put back together. While she was at it, she wanted to change the funny blue bodywork to a screeching shade of yellow. On leaving the workshop she was going take her now screeching yellow Datsun-Toyota self to the Concours where she would win the car of the year award. I did not mean to laugh at her predicament but I just had to.
When you think about it though, we all have that moment where no matter how much of a control freak you are, you just want to hand over the reins to someone else. The hustles of life become too much and you are consumed by a need to de-clutter. You get all consumed by a desire to take out everything that seems to be clouding your life on whatever level and remain with just the bare minimum. Like spring cleaning. Like my friend put it you want to get back to the workshop where you were assembled. You want to be taken apart, cleaned out and put back together minus all those things that were choking you up. The workshop could mean just about anything depending on who you ask. It could mean taking a holiday away from your everyday life, renewing your faith, talking to a friend who seems to have all the answers, communing with nature, it all depends on the person. Either way we all need to take sometime off and de-clutter once in a while if we are to always be at our optimum. So before you start calling yourself a beat-up Datsun- Toyota, take sometime and rejuvenate your soul.
When you think about it though, we all have that moment where no matter how much of a control freak you are, you just want to hand over the reins to someone else. The hustles of life become too much and you are consumed by a need to de-clutter. You get all consumed by a desire to take out everything that seems to be clouding your life on whatever level and remain with just the bare minimum. Like spring cleaning. Like my friend put it you want to get back to the workshop where you were assembled. You want to be taken apart, cleaned out and put back together minus all those things that were choking you up. The workshop could mean just about anything depending on who you ask. It could mean taking a holiday away from your everyday life, renewing your faith, talking to a friend who seems to have all the answers, communing with nature, it all depends on the person. Either way we all need to take sometime off and de-clutter once in a while if we are to always be at our optimum. So before you start calling yourself a beat-up Datsun- Toyota, take sometime and rejuvenate your soul.
In the dead of the night.
Things are going to get worse before they get worse – Lily Tomlin
I have always known that pearls are born of oysters but I didn’t until recently know exactly how that happens. Turns out a pearl originates from a grain of sand. When a grain of sand finds its way into an oyster’s shell its jagged edge hurts the oyster so much that it begins to secrete a substance to coat it. It is from this coating substance that a pearl is formed. What starts out as an irritation eventually turns into a precious gem. The oyster-assuming it has a mind of its own- could have chosen to whine and resign itself to the pain that the grain of sand causes. However it takes the harshness dealt to it and turns it into something wonderful.
Life is pretty much the same. As you go through life you will be at either of 3 stages; going through a problem, emerging from one or coasting in between problems. Before you call me a pessimist, when I say problem, I use that term in its loosest meaning. So the magnitude of the problem is irrelevant whether it’s where to get money for your next mortgage payment or a dress for Friday’s party is not in question. Of importance is your attitude towards your situation and the realization that life will be full of unending challenges. We can choose to look at these as the things that we encounter to break our spirit or as the things that refine us into better people.
My mother’s slogan in life is, no situation is permanent. Even the gravest of problems shall come to pass. We can choose to learn a lesson from the experience or we can whine right through it. In which case we end up at the same place we started. Problems came about to bring change, change brings about growth and growth makes us better people.
Irrespective of what stage of the problem cycle you are in, it is your attitude and reaction that dictates your outcome. If you are in between problems and you decide to sit and sulk as you wait for the next problem to land, trust me you will be depressed. Guaranteed, nothing will ever go your way and the entire world will always be in a conspiracy to bring you down. When your next problem or challenge comes around, it will without a doubt break your back. Life ends up being a blur of dark and cursed days. On the other hand if you ride your problems big or small like waves delivering you to sunny side of life, life ends up being such a breeze.
Accepting that no single day in our lives will ever go by without having to face a challenging situation, does good for the soul. Looking for a solution other than focussing on the problem keeps us a day further from the grave. Like someone said, “When it gets dark enough, you can see the stars.”
I have always known that pearls are born of oysters but I didn’t until recently know exactly how that happens. Turns out a pearl originates from a grain of sand. When a grain of sand finds its way into an oyster’s shell its jagged edge hurts the oyster so much that it begins to secrete a substance to coat it. It is from this coating substance that a pearl is formed. What starts out as an irritation eventually turns into a precious gem. The oyster-assuming it has a mind of its own- could have chosen to whine and resign itself to the pain that the grain of sand causes. However it takes the harshness dealt to it and turns it into something wonderful.
Life is pretty much the same. As you go through life you will be at either of 3 stages; going through a problem, emerging from one or coasting in between problems. Before you call me a pessimist, when I say problem, I use that term in its loosest meaning. So the magnitude of the problem is irrelevant whether it’s where to get money for your next mortgage payment or a dress for Friday’s party is not in question. Of importance is your attitude towards your situation and the realization that life will be full of unending challenges. We can choose to look at these as the things that we encounter to break our spirit or as the things that refine us into better people.
My mother’s slogan in life is, no situation is permanent. Even the gravest of problems shall come to pass. We can choose to learn a lesson from the experience or we can whine right through it. In which case we end up at the same place we started. Problems came about to bring change, change brings about growth and growth makes us better people.
Irrespective of what stage of the problem cycle you are in, it is your attitude and reaction that dictates your outcome. If you are in between problems and you decide to sit and sulk as you wait for the next problem to land, trust me you will be depressed. Guaranteed, nothing will ever go your way and the entire world will always be in a conspiracy to bring you down. When your next problem or challenge comes around, it will without a doubt break your back. Life ends up being a blur of dark and cursed days. On the other hand if you ride your problems big or small like waves delivering you to sunny side of life, life ends up being such a breeze.
Accepting that no single day in our lives will ever go by without having to face a challenging situation, does good for the soul. Looking for a solution other than focussing on the problem keeps us a day further from the grave. Like someone said, “When it gets dark enough, you can see the stars.”
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
I'm just saying...
“I hate my life, there’s simply nothing good about it.”
Look at me, I am alive and it really sucks especially given the fact that some folks somewhere are busy enjoying eternal rest. Never mind that some of them went to rest with so much unfinished business. Words never said, dreams never fulfilled and gestures never expressed. Someone somewhere must have a sick sense of humour to imagine that adding more days to my life will give me more time to leave it without regrets. Tsk.
Then there’s the family that won’t let me catch a breath of fresh air. How annoying. I have to put up with curfews. Endless questions on just about everything you can imagine from two curious young minds. I have to wrap my mind around the fact that I am the same shoe size with adolescents who neither see the need to borrow something before they take it nor the need to return in the same condition you ‘borrowed’ it in. They reach out for the last piece at the table and refuse to share despite the fact that I am famished. Never mind the colour they splash on my life. One could sure use less clutter in their lives.
As if that isn’t enough, in comes friends who break your heart then mend it right back. The ones who make you laugh at yourself and cry for them. They make you do things in the heat of the moment only to have you sitting by yourself trying to figure out exactly what happened. The ones with whom you share not only the laughs and tears, but ultimately your life. A girl could sure use less drama in her life. I mean can you imagine the bliss, of not having to spend all those hours turning one scenario on facets you didn’t even know existed in the name of catching up.
The dreams that keep me going even when all seems bleak. The sun that reminds me to smile even when I don’t want to because, maybe, someone else is drawing energy from my smile. The birds that do not make elaborate plans for their lives, yet everyday they soar high, chirp away merrily and never go without. It reminds me that I am no less a child of the universe. The child’s whose cry reminds me no man is self-sufficient: at some point we all need someone to pick us up. Who needs all this? After all life is a comedy and the joke is on all of us. No one comes out of it alive.
Quit whining about your life. Enjoy it while you have it, you never know when it might just slip from your grasp.
Look at me, I am alive and it really sucks especially given the fact that some folks somewhere are busy enjoying eternal rest. Never mind that some of them went to rest with so much unfinished business. Words never said, dreams never fulfilled and gestures never expressed. Someone somewhere must have a sick sense of humour to imagine that adding more days to my life will give me more time to leave it without regrets. Tsk.
Then there’s the family that won’t let me catch a breath of fresh air. How annoying. I have to put up with curfews. Endless questions on just about everything you can imagine from two curious young minds. I have to wrap my mind around the fact that I am the same shoe size with adolescents who neither see the need to borrow something before they take it nor the need to return in the same condition you ‘borrowed’ it in. They reach out for the last piece at the table and refuse to share despite the fact that I am famished. Never mind the colour they splash on my life. One could sure use less clutter in their lives.
As if that isn’t enough, in comes friends who break your heart then mend it right back. The ones who make you laugh at yourself and cry for them. They make you do things in the heat of the moment only to have you sitting by yourself trying to figure out exactly what happened. The ones with whom you share not only the laughs and tears, but ultimately your life. A girl could sure use less drama in her life. I mean can you imagine the bliss, of not having to spend all those hours turning one scenario on facets you didn’t even know existed in the name of catching up.
The dreams that keep me going even when all seems bleak. The sun that reminds me to smile even when I don’t want to because, maybe, someone else is drawing energy from my smile. The birds that do not make elaborate plans for their lives, yet everyday they soar high, chirp away merrily and never go without. It reminds me that I am no less a child of the universe. The child’s whose cry reminds me no man is self-sufficient: at some point we all need someone to pick us up. Who needs all this? After all life is a comedy and the joke is on all of us. No one comes out of it alive.
Quit whining about your life. Enjoy it while you have it, you never know when it might just slip from your grasp.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Of fear...
It’s fear that keeps me from birthing my dream,
Yet I nurse it with the anticipation of an expectant mother,
Fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of obscurity,
All this keeps me from bringing forth my beautiful gift.
It’s fear that keeps me from loving wholly,
The fear of pain, the fear of disappointment all too familiar,
A Fear of giving more than I’ll ever get back,
Has slowly evolved me into an island guarded by a high wall,
It’s fear that keeps me in bed longer every morning,
The fear of routine, the fear of days too similar to tell apart,
Fear of another day having achieved nothing,
Apathy has replaced the passion that once fuelled me,
And I have traded life for existence.
It’s fear that keeps me from exploring new waters,
So I cling to the familiar even when it eats at my soul like a cancer,
Fear of giving up the familiar for uncertainty,
Fear of getting lost in unfamiliar territory,
It has all made me accept mediocrity as my portion.
Yet I nurse it with the anticipation of an expectant mother,
Fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of obscurity,
All this keeps me from bringing forth my beautiful gift.
It’s fear that keeps me from loving wholly,
The fear of pain, the fear of disappointment all too familiar,
A Fear of giving more than I’ll ever get back,
Has slowly evolved me into an island guarded by a high wall,
It’s fear that keeps me in bed longer every morning,
The fear of routine, the fear of days too similar to tell apart,
Fear of another day having achieved nothing,
Apathy has replaced the passion that once fuelled me,
And I have traded life for existence.
It’s fear that keeps me from exploring new waters,
So I cling to the familiar even when it eats at my soul like a cancer,
Fear of giving up the familiar for uncertainty,
Fear of getting lost in unfamiliar territory,
It has all made me accept mediocrity as my portion.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Worry.
Often I find myself worrying about something.
If it isn’t my future, it’s the past,
If not my achievements, it’s the failures
Somehow, even when it seems impossible to do so, I will always find something to worry about.
Worry lies with me at night, rises with me and walks with me all day,
Yet I solve nothing worrying,
I worry about insurmountable mountains, yet I found them there,
I worry about heavens that won’t open up and quench the soil’s thirst, yet I have no idea where the heavens start or end,
I worry about tomorrow yet I’m already leaving yesterday’s tomorrow,
People, places, events, circumstance nothing escapes my worry yet I have no control even over now.
The sun rose and set,
The rains came and went,
My children bloomed and grew,
My dreams waited and withered,
My future is now with me,
I was too busy worrying, now it’s all gone,
So now I have to embark on a journey chasing a water drop in the river,
I must make my way down stream and hope that I can reach it before it is swallowed by the sea.
It is my only chance at living the life I lost worrying.
If it isn’t my future, it’s the past,
If not my achievements, it’s the failures
Somehow, even when it seems impossible to do so, I will always find something to worry about.
Worry lies with me at night, rises with me and walks with me all day,
Yet I solve nothing worrying,
I worry about insurmountable mountains, yet I found them there,
I worry about heavens that won’t open up and quench the soil’s thirst, yet I have no idea where the heavens start or end,
I worry about tomorrow yet I’m already leaving yesterday’s tomorrow,
People, places, events, circumstance nothing escapes my worry yet I have no control even over now.
The sun rose and set,
The rains came and went,
My children bloomed and grew,
My dreams waited and withered,
My future is now with me,
I was too busy worrying, now it’s all gone,
So now I have to embark on a journey chasing a water drop in the river,
I must make my way down stream and hope that I can reach it before it is swallowed by the sea.
It is my only chance at living the life I lost worrying.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Becoming...
Today I celebrate being a woman, a lady, a sister, a daughter and a friend I celebrate rediscovering myself. Finding a precious part of me lost to the world. Every woman has been through that phase where you give up so much of what you believe in just to please others.Paulo Coelho reckons that it is our need for validation and recognition that gives rise to weakness in character.In such times we forget the values that have guided us all our life.We ignore signs that we would have previously heeded with caution.Every time we assure ourselves that tomorrow will be a better day.Yet we push tomorrow to infinity.We lose our confidence. Our spirit becomes crushed and the soul is stripped bare.We latch onto others for meaning and when they don’t respond as we would have them do.We sink further into the abyss of despair.Once a source of strength, a picture of confidence and a point of admiration for many.We become a pitiful sight in and out. But today I remembered my worth,I remembered that I need no validation; my being alive is validation enough.Though things don’t turn out as I would have them do, there will always be a better day.Though I have shouldered blame for the actions of others before,I have reminded myself that we are all responsible for our actions; I refuse to do it anymore.I will let my soul free,I will not judge myself harshly, for I am an equal child of the universe.I may not be perfect but that is no reason for me to focus on my weakness.Today I celebrate life; I celebrate being a woman,I celebrate rediscovering myself and my strength
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